In today’s world we carry a huge level of responsibilities in our life. Our stress levels have reached an all-time high! A huge contributing factor is being a “yes” person and agreeing to anything and everything that even remotely relates to what is within our realm of duty or skills. Many of our struggles in life can be traced to saying yes too quickly and not saying no sooner.
By becoming more aware of what is important to say yes to will help alleviate much stress in our lives. We are all human beings, not super heros. We cannot do everything! We all need some down time to collect our thoughts, reflect upon our day, spend with our loved ones and friends and enjoy new hobbies. Which means, we need to be more protective and selective of how we spend our time. And, saying yes to everything, can deplete our valuable time, especially when we don’t want to do something we are feeling obligated to do.
How many times have you encountered a situation where you found yourself agreeing to do something that you had absolutely no interest in actually doing? I bet this would be everyone of us, at some time in our life. But, when we say yes and want to say no, we are essentially saying no to ourselves and giving our personal power away. Thus, we become constant people-pleasers. We become tired, drained of all energy for ourself, as alot of our efforts go into fulfilling the requests of others.
So, why do we do it? Why is it so difficult to say no – it’s just a word, right? Well, in life, we are expected to be agreeable, to do what is always asked of us. We would much rather please others than to feel rejected, disappoint others, anger them, hurt their feelings or appear unkind. But, at the expense of our own feelings of being agitated, resentful or stressed, we feel it best to please others, first. We feel the need to be kind to others, before being kind to ourselves. The thought of others thinking negatively of us, becomes the ultimate human pain. We all want to be seen as a “good” person.
Many believe that this is learned behaviour. In our childhood we were able to express exactly what we wanted, without feeling guilt or letting others down. But, as we grew older, our parental figures made it very clear to us when we were right or wrong and whether they approved of our behaviours. Thus, we continued to do what met their approval and steered away from what didn’t, to keep feeling good about our actions and behaviours. It was also considered rude or negative for us to not do what we were told to do, so we just did it without question.
The problem with this is that every time we continue on this pleasing path, we are ultimately taking ourselves off our own path. We are preventing what we really want to do, focusing on what others want us to do and effectively handing them the reins to our lives. When we relinquish control and hand over power to others, we are cutting off from ourselves. By acquiring our own sense of direction and making our own decisions based on what feels best for us, we begin to know what direction we need to take.
Many people feel that life seems simpler just doing what is expected of us, being that continual “nice” person and doing everything for everybody. For, it feels good being reliable, efficient and available all the time. Or does it? It becomes learned behaviour, a habit and becomes a normal reaction. Not only does everyone around you expect you to constantly say yes to everything and do as they say, you believe you have to as well. For, if we always say yes, the more people expect us to do so, and we also expect it of ourself. We don’t want to appear impolite or inappropriate. By choosing to please everyone else, you end up giving everyone else what they are wanting and in turn, denying yourself.
So, how do we change this behaviour? The first step is becoming aware of ourselves being people-pleasers. When we take a good look at ourselves and our life, it might be abit of a shock to realize how much power we give away to others. And, once we become aware of this behaviour, we can then start to question as to why we are allowing it.
One of the most common people-pleasing habits is to just give in to other’s wishes, requests and demands to not have to feel any emotional discomfort by not following through with their requests. This is called avoidance. Some of us would rather put ourselves through unfortunate situations before declining to do what we would rather not do. But, when we look back on circumstances in our life that we went ahead and did, not wanting to do them in the first place, we were being dishonest with ourselves. So, rather than causing any discomfort to others, we cause discomfort to ourselves. Becoming aware of this behaviour is good though, as we can then learn to address this problem in our lives.
The key is to begin setting new boundaries. It is not easy to do, but is definitely achievable, and necessary in life. This can be especially challenging to those very close to us – family and friends, even co-workers. We feel the need to not let them down or that they are depending upon us and we feel the guilt or their disappointment if we don’t follow through. By taking a deep breath and learning to step back when you feel yourself entering the people-pleasing zone is a positive way to deal with others.
And, if there is something asked of you that actually does interest you, learn to be less immediately affirming. Letting others know that you aren’t certain if you can follow through with their request and will get back to them, is a definite step in the right direction. This provides you time to think the situation through and enables you to judge for yourself if it is something you indeed want to do, or need, to do. It is important to not feel pressured into making a decision right away. Ask yourself what you want, rather than what the other person wants from you. If you can say yes, and feel good about the decision, then do it. If you say yes, and not feel good about it, then you shouldn’t do it.
Learning to say no is deciding if saying yes is really worth it. Sometimes when we commit to something, doubt sets in and we begin to think of ways to get out of doing it. We think of the anger, stress and the inconvenience saying yes has caused us and wonder why we hadn’t said no in the first place. And, if we don’t have an adequate excuse to get out of what we committed ourselves to, we force ourselves to tell a lie, which can at times make us feel worse than having just said no in the first place. We need to realize that we have the right to say no and shouldn’t be afraid of letting other people down at the expense of our own happiness.
And, if you do not want to do what is being asked of you, learn to be okay with that. Be respectful and kind in the decline, but remain firm in your decision. Feel good within yourself about making your choices. If others do not like your decisions, then that is on them, not for you to feel bad. You can only be in control and responsible for your own emotions, actions and thoughts, not for what others are thinking and feeling. By creating positive boundaries you provide an emotional comfort zone for yourself. When we become clear on what we will or will not accept in our lives, people will learn to respect us for it.
Saying no does not mean you are being rude, selfish or unkind. It should rather be something that we decide for ourselves, based on our own discretion. Learning to say no is realizing that we are valuable and choosing our own opinion rather than the opinion of others. If we constantly live our life depending upon other people’s approval, we will never feel free and truly happy. Your opinion of yourself should be seen as more important than what others think of you.
Helpful tips for saying no to others:
- be direct – giving a decided “no”, it will no longer be asked of you. If you give others a hint of a possibile yes or in terms of thinking about it, they will continue to ask.
- no need to apologize – excuses for a “no” are not required.
- do not lie – it is better to say no then have to lie to get out of doing something in the first place
- be polite – thank others for asking and then give a firm “no”
- practice saying no – verbally to yourself and in your mind
We all want to be loved and accepted by others in life. Expecially to those closest to us. But, it is very important to realize that loving someone doesn’t mean doing everything in our power to please them. This is giving away our self-power, our life choices, our happiness so that others can have the power to make choices for us while pleasing themselves, while you get upset. Remember that our self-worth does not depend on how much we do for other people. It can in fact decrease our self-worth, especially if we feel we are being taken advantage of or being taken for granted.
By learning to self-love and putting our emotions before all others, we put ourself on an equal footing ground with everyone else. We all have the right to live our live on our terms and nobody has the right to make our life decisions or choices for us. It is our right to do so. We need to stand tall in our own skin and be who we are meant to be and do what we feel good about doing, not what everyone else wants us to be and do. And, even when we feel we ought to do something, begin to observe how you are feeling in these situations. The word “ought” is another word for others expecting or guilting you to do something, when you would rather not. Learn to say yes authentically and truthfully, when it feels right to do so, mentally, emotionally and behaviourally.
Accept your own thoughts and choices and know the purpose of your own will and power. Learn to cheer yourself on when you do things that make “you” happy, as opposed to making others happy at the expense of your own joy. And, if you backslide at times, love yourself anyway, and hold your course. Your cheering section will still be with you, waiting for you to get back on track.
Change can take time, but the more we can learn to make the best decisions for ourselves, we begin to build a happier life one day at a time. Appreciate your innate worthiness and allow yourself to be the master in control of your life choices. Follow through with the actions and decisions you feel meet the best results for your self and life. Ignite your self-value by choosing what to receive and how much to give to others.
Everyday life is our school of learning. When we begin to see our own reflection more clearly in the mirror of daily life, we come to know and accept ourselves, our behaviours, our actions and our thoughts. And, from all of these we acquire the wisdom necessary to progress in our personal growth. We need to trust in ourselves, to make the right decisions for, us. We all have the tools and need to find within ourselves the strength, the insight and self-confidence to move forward and do what we feel is in our best interests.
Take the time to absorb and walk at your own pace. Walk on the path of your own personal journey and embrace your own personal decisions and choices along the way. Allow yourself the freedom and empowerment by taking control of your life by learning to say no to others, and yes to yourself.
